Teaching Children Manners and Values

I belong to a service called Help a Reporter Out (HARO). Reporters from all over the place ask for sources for their stories. It's pretty interesting what comes across as far as inquiries go...

So yesterday an inquiry came through asking: "For a story in a national parenting magazine, I'm seeking experts who can talk about teaching young kids (under 6) values -- how can kids better understand things like self-reliance, courage, respect? Are values still taught in today's high-paced world -- and why are they still important for kids to learn?" 

I was on that query like a duck on a junebug. Here was my response...your thoughts and comments are welcome!

"It is absolutely vital that parents teach their children values in this high-paced world. I know you asked for "experts" and I would say I am one -- I'm a mom of two boys, 7 and 2.5, and a communications consultant in Atlanta.

Already we are teaching our sons what used to be called "manners." Please, Thank you, No sir, Yes ma'am. Being kind, cleaning up after yourself, playing fair and more. My 2.5 year old clears his dishes, or at least brings them to me so I can put them on the counter because he can't reach. He already has responsibilities, such as picking up after himself and putting his shoes away. Why?

Because now is the time to train them in skills and behaviors that will serve them for a lifetime. Manners are vital when interacting with people of stature -- parents, sure, but also teachers and bosses. They also teach you how to demonstrate respect for others and resolve problems, such as sharing and playing "fair." Helping out around the house now with age-appropriate chores teaches them responsibility and job-sharing. It also diminishes their expectation that I am there to be the chief cook, bottle-washer, maid and laundress. i don't like doing those things any more than they do, and it helps them see that I'm a person, and together we all make up and work together as a family.

Some day, my boys will grow up. Their manners, from showing respect to using proper table and phone etiquette, will certainly help them in social and business settings. Being able to hold a conversation, use proper diction, shake hands and look someone in the eye while apologizing also will be valuable assets as they look for friends, jobs and mates. Judging from the apparent decline of manners and values in today's society, I hope my kids can set a good example by treating others as they hope to be treated.

Are we weird and rigid in our training? I don't think so -- it's really not very hard, either. It's repetition, repetition, repetition and little kids take that well. Eventually it becomes ingrained. My 7-year-old has beautiful manners (about 95% of the time--he IS only 7, after all!)"

It frankly surprised me that her question even included the idea of whether manners were necessary in today's world. To me, they're more vital than ever before. As news and views in America slip toward the more intolerant and judgmental, manners enable us to see another's point of view, and at least agree to disagree. Manners are about respect -- for others and ourselves. And what's more valuable than that?

Creaky Screen Doors Let in Memories

Do some smells trigger in you an immediate connection to another time and place? One for me is always the first smell of burnt leaves in fall. Even after 30 years, that smell puts me smack in the middle of my front yard, 12 or 13 years old, living on Selfridge Air National Guard Base in Mt. Clemens, MI. I was probably raking the leaves in that big old yard — no wonder I have an attachment.

I hadn't thought much about other triggers for memory until I was speaking on the phone yesterday to my friend and client Karen Schumacher, who lives in Husser, LA. She makes wonderful candles you'll be dying to buy in about two months...  :)

Karen is blessed to live in the country with her husband Hank, where they operate the Bald Cypress Cattle Company and her business, Heirloom Candles.  As four of her 10 grandchildren live on the farm with them, it was no surprise to have Dusty, one of her older grandsons, answer the phone when I called. He used the “kid intercom” to reach Karen--meaning he hollered out the door for her to come inside and talk to me. 

As she entered the house, I heard it: a sound that brought back so many memories for me from my grandparents' house in Louisiana where we spent most summers that it took my breath away: the creaking spring of an old-fashioned screen door.

That sound means to me:

Golden Guernsey ice cream from Kleinpeter Dairy, literally yellow with creamy deliciousness.  Topped with honey, it was the official harbinger of summer.

Sitting in my grandparents' kitchen sink watching the birds feed at the bird feeder with my grandfather, Ginny. He could identify every type of bird AND whistle its call. No wonder I thought he was the coolest grandpa ever.

Smelling the Community Coffee "fresh-o-lator" full of dark roasted grounds. In Louisiana, most kids are started on coffee in their toddlerhood and I was no different. Even today if I buy another brand I feel guilty.

Catching green garden lizards with my brothers and seeing if we could get them to bite and hang on our earlobes like earrings.

Climbing in my grandparents' fig tree and eating those luscious purple fruits 'til we were sick. And then doing it again the next summer.

My grandmother, Maggie, has been gone for many years now--she died when I was in college. My grandfather, now almost 98, met precious Eddie and had another 18 years of happiness with her after Maggie died. When I was in Louisiana last week on business, I went to see Ginny, and it was bittersweet. He is in a wheelchair now, his skin almost translucent with age. He always tells me he's tired, and that he's not supposed to still be here, when my mom is out of the room. Let me tell you, there's nothing appropriate you can say to that, to a man who's played thousands of hands of poker, caught probably about a million fish, lost two wives and countless friends, and seen at least six wars in his lifetime. He's lived. A lot.

So maybe, when I heard Karen's screen door creak, that was God giving me my grandpa back in all his vigor one last time. Because creaky screen doors now mean a cardinal's flashing brightness, a damn good cup of coffee, and Louisiana summers with my grandpa. And those memories will never grow old.

Networking with the FFA Kids

I got an unexpected but very welcome invitation last week. My friend Blane Marable, executive director of the Georgia FFA Alumni Association, asked if I would like to join his newly-installed state board members on a trip to Merial Pharmaceuticals in Duluth GA. Heck yeah!  I'm always up for meeting new people, and getting to visit with FFA kids is always interesting.

You may have heard of FFA — once the Future Farmers of America. Sometime along the way in recent years they just changed to FFA — no farm reference. I still don't understand that but this isn't a blog about marketing... necessarily. Nevertheless, FFA turns out some of the most remarkable young adults I've ever met. Smart, focused, hard-working, accomplished and polite (yes! I know!), these are kids that colleges across the country fight over. I've got to figure out how FFA and their parents do it so I can raise my two boys to turn out similarly. However, back to the visit.

Dr. Steven Lerner is the marketing director for Merial's U.S. large animal sector. Friendly, unassuming, he was a delight at lunch, discussing his daughter's recent graduation and more. Come to find out that this plain-speaking man has about a million degrees in biology, animal science and genetics. My brain melts just thinking about it. However... he gave these high-flying FFA kids, most of whom already have specific career goals, a very plain, interesting lesson in achievement as he outlined how he came to his position at Merial. Here are his takeaways, as interpreted by me. Dr. Lerner, if I'm off-base, let me know:

1. You don't go to school to learn about your chosen profession. You go to school to learn how to learn. Learning throughout your career is what leads to advancement and, hopefully, fulfillment.

2. It's okay to wander far from the course of study you followed in school. Dr. Lerner went from research into sales into academia back to process management and then to marketing. Quite the convoluted path to success, but he smiles an awful lot for someone who took the circuitous route. It must have worked for him.  You know--it can work for you, too.

3. Having a plan is good. Being flexible is better. See item #2 for an explanation on that one. Rigidity is an opportunity crusher. Flexibility, whether it's in your personal life, business plan or career trajectory, can lead to amazing opportunities and experiences you might never have gotten otherwise.

4. Start developing a network. NOW. I don't think those FFA kids knew that they already were networking at this event with a VERY interested potential employer. Dr. Lerner was completely up front saying, "We love having you here today and hope that, when you graduate, several of you will come to work for us." You could see the switches flip in their heads as they thought, “Aaah! nettttworrrrkkiinnnnnggg! This guy could help me get a job!! I get it!”  No matter the industry, your experience or your beautiful resume, jobs and referrals depend GREATLY on who you know. If the odds aren't in your favor right now, improve them! Get out, meet some people and KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEM! It's not hard!

5. Money isn't the goal (but it's not a bad thing, either). Doing a job you hate because it pays well is probably my No. 1 most-hated job scenario. There is no salary good enough to buy back your time, passion and integrity. Case in point: Charlie Bucket. Did you know that Peter Ostrum, who played Charlie Bucket in the REAL Willie Wonka movie (the first one, of course), only did that one film. Not for lack of opportunity, but because it didn't make him happy. He's now a large animal vet in rural New York State and is, apparently, happy as a clam. ’Nuff said.  Now, if you're doing what you love and you make a ton of money at it, more power to you. Rock on!

The funny thing about the trip to Merial wasn't just watching these novice business leaders get an education. I was surprised and pleased to know that I came away with something new that day too. First, Dr. Lerner's casual conversation with those FFA kids was like a refresher for me and a reminder to follow MY career passions. But I learned from those kids, too — about dedication, responsibility and commitment, and that “good kids”--or eight of them--abound if you look in the right places. Now I just need to find out how to get an FFA chapter started in my urban high school, even though my oldest son is 7. Hey, you can never start too early... at least that's what the FFA kids I networked with last week said.